Daddy Thoughts

Just between you and me, princess.

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One last post, for the record

Though we were split, as of last night, it’s now really over.  No really.  The split had been with a specific intention of fixing the issue of being unable to receive love.  Where that went, I don’t know.  It’s like you forgot about me.  Now it’s just move on, and maybe someday.  Yeah right.  Someday never comes.

I’ll send the stuffies, because I said that I would.  I’ll take out, unwrap, and return the cute and thoughtful christmas presents, first, though.  The letter, too — I’ll put it in the box with the sentimental stuff, like receipts from Arby’s and ice cream cone wrappers.  Someday you’ll find it, read it, and kick yourself for throwing away the best man you’ll ever have.

I’ll pack up your things from every nook and cranny in this place and put it all in storage.  You can get it whenever.

I love you, princess … no wait.  Even the family tie is gone now.  No more princess.  Just I love you.  and good bye.

Filed under moving on letting go saying goodbye it's finally over the end

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Sorry for hitting you.  I didn’t mean it, princess.  I’m just sad and frustrated and missing you a lot.  It hurts.

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Goddammit I fucking hate this.  I love you and support you, but right now I want to hit you.  Hard and fast and mean and over and over.  It’s not your fault, and you’re doing the best you can, but FUCK.  This hell must end, sooner than later.  I’m going fucking insane.

I’m supposed to be at work in 30.  Fuck.

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things i would tell you
if i knew you would not love me:

i rush through section g-
“you’ve always been my rock,
you’ve supported me no matter what,
happy birthday dad”
i would tell you
i am afraid for spring to come
when my heart defrosts
and i can love again,
but you will still be gone
i would tell you how i must stay busy
keep my mind occupied
because you creep into my every thought
and when i dream you are always there, and i awake
and i can feel and i can cry
and i can let you love me

If I died, then you would feel your true feelings about my love.  What you feel now is not true.  You know that, though.

I am indebted to section g, wherever it comes from.  Eternally grateful.

I am not gone.  I am at home, and I will welcome you home when you’re ready to return.  Before spring, spring, or next spring.  If it’s next spring, I think my patience will run out before then, and I will go take you, ready or not.

I am as much a part of you as you are of me.  Our souls have entwined and tangled, so that even death is incapable of separating us.

So when you wake … when you wake, hold on to that clarity.  Try to make it last longer, day by day, even if only by seconds it is stretched.  Let yourself feel, and cry, and be loved.  That is real and true, those moments before the walls come up.  That is what the rest of your life will be.  It may feel strange or scary right now, but that will pass.

You’re doing it, princess, as I knew that you would.  I see your progress.  I am standing so tall and proud.  That’s my girl.

Filed under love letter response section g proud spring home

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I just mentioned a desire to do nude modeling online for extra cash to my therapist and her attitude was just blah. she kept asking how I would feel if someone I knew saw it and like well what are they doing on those sorts of sites. I’m a sexual being; I have a body; I like my body; I need cash. that does not make me less of a person or see myself as less of a person sorry not sorry kiss my cute butt

Yeah, she was appealing to a mainstream mentality that you left behind when you were with me.  That would have worked on you when we first met.

Please don’t.  Please.

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Never ignore a person who loves you, cares for you, and misses you. Because one day, you might wake up from your sleep and realize that you lost the moon while counting the stars.

Nico Lang (via onlinecounsellingcollege)

Not us; it made me think of you.